The Most Beautiful Kuroshitsuji Love Story Ever
by Citrine Nebulae
Summary: This is the most beautiful Kuroshitsuji love story ever. I can't take the credit, I researched Kuroshitsuji fanfictions for several weeks. Crack/rant about no good, very bad fanfictions.


**A/N: …um. You know I love you guys, right? So I need to apologize in advance. I am SO SO SO SO SO SO SO sorry. This was in my head…and now it's on the internet. This is my rant about Kuroshitsuji fanfictions...someone, _please_ send me a good one. _Please._ I can't read these anymore. xD**

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Once upon a time, in the glorious land of fanfiction-Kuroshitsuji which somehow does not manage to resemble the true Victorian Era at all, Ciel and Sebastian were taking a very uncharacteristic stroll through the Phantomhive Gardens.

For some reason, Ciel was in a really weird, flora-appreciative mood and decided to go traipsing through the gardens, like we said earlier, even though Finni destroyed them that morning, or perhaps yesterday. Maybe Sebastian ran through and fixed it or something. Who knows? He _is _one devilish butler.

We had to put that in there somewhere.

Ciel leaned down to sniff a happy, pretty blue flower even though he technically didn't need to lean down at all because he's very, very shrimpy. Plus, if he leaned down, his shorts rode up in the back because they are extremely short (that's why they're called shorts) and as we all know, Sebastian was standing three steps behind him like always. Sebastian overcame the temptation to surprise buttfuck the young earl.

But – surprise, surprise! – Ciel leaped back in shock! He bumped into Sebastian even though no one really leaps backwards that efficiently (three steps, remember), but we had to have the pair touch somehow, and Ciel is such an adorable uke! Sebastian steadied him with massive gloved hands that are pretty much the size of Ciel's head. Ciel had a fleeting moment to think, _that's so hot, _before the source of his surprise showed itself again!

"Sebastian, why is there a person in the flowers?" Ciel demanded of the tall, black, handsome, perfect, lovely, capable, devilish butler. Ciel's head was pretty much in Sebastian's crotch because he is so short, but we're going to skip over that and have Ciel carry out conversation as normal.

"I would not ever have any fathom, young master (bocchan, for you stuffy culturally-better-than-everyone-else-people)," the tall, black, handsome, perfect, lovely, capable, devilish butler said very eloquently in order to keep with the time period and his elevated status as a butler.

Ciel stepped away from Sebastian's junk and leaned down again, even though he didn't need to. Sebastian leaned down too, and the tips of his super-way-long-raven-black-hair tickled the top of Ciel's head. Indeed! There _was _a person in the flowers! And not just any person! It was incidentally the most beautiful person either of them had ever seen in their lives, immortal or not!

She was curled up in the flowers, looking very super peaceful and pretty. Both Sebastian and Ciel knew that she would be very definitely pretty no matter what she was doing. She had really, really long hair that didn't tangle, and was halfway draped over her perfect body as she lay there, cuddling the flowers. It was also streaked with red, blue, green, purple, white, and orange. Somehow, it managed to not look like vomit and that really nasty insulation stuff. Or casino carpet. But Ciel bet that was because she was just pretty, even though she had to be at least two to three years older than him, and probably several inches taller. But not _too _much taller, because she still had to be shorter than Sebastian just in case she turned out to be the loveliest person in any dimension, and Sebastian fell in love with her, because the perfect girl simply cannot be as tall or taller than her super handsome partner. Plus, it had to be adorably awkward when they dance together later. Speaking of her being the prettiest in any dimension, they were soon proved correct as their hungry, testosterone-y eyes swept down her sleeping form! Based on her clothes, which were so eclectic and interesting and tomboy-ish, she couldn't be from Victorian England at all! She was wearing so many layers that complimented her weird but cool hair highlights that it was surprising that her beautiful, thin frame didn't just get crushed like an egg under their weight.

Suddenly, her eyes opened. They were so many different colors! One moment they were gold, then they turned violet! She had the most longest ever eyelashes.

"WHERE THE FUCK AM I?!" she screamed, looking very beautiful and wild. She looked at the pair with her gorgeous eyes before reaching into the butt pocket of her super short shorts and pulling out a rectangular, thin, white object with freaky little strings attached to it. Then she shoved the ends of the strings into her ears and began singing perfectly-selected songs with her perfectly-pitched voice.

_Wake up in the morning to the words, young master_

_It's Sebastian right out the door he says things are a disaster _

_Mey Rin is breaking all the dishes, _

_Finny's burning the trees, _

_And well, Chef Baldroy and Tanaka are already on their knees _

_for mercy_

_I'm talking shinigami on my back _

_Butler wearing black _

_Some Italian guy stealing my crack _

_... N-now I'm going back into town,_

_Because of Finnian the clown. _

_Who broke my walking stick for the third time this week, I mean honestly! _

_Ciel Phantomhive _

_Pentacle on my eye _

_That's right, I'm not nice so you can kiss my feet and cry _

_I'm rich, not a prick, _

_So don't make me throw a fit or, _

_I will kill you! I will kill you! _

_Ciel Phantomhive_

_Pentacle on my eye _

_That's right, I'm not nice so you can kiss my feet and cry_

_I'm rich, not a prick,_

_So don't make me throw a fit or,_

_I will kill you! I will kill you!_

Ciel and Sebastian didn't seem to think this was odd at all. They just stared as the beautiful girl sang and danced in her half-naked-definitely-not-Victorian-Era clothing.

"RIGHT," she said, once she had finished the song. "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?"

Ciel raised an eyebrow, suddenly remembering his earl-i-ness and that he needed to stop ogling the girl from the flowers.

"I am the Earl of Phantomhive, Ciel Phantomhive." He paused. Suddenly he had a wild urge to tell her all of the secrets of the Phantomhive household. "I'm also the Queen's Watchdog, in charge of dealing with London's underworld, with the help of my extremely capable but slightly idiotic house staff which consists of a clumsy maid-slash-sniper who can't see anything that isn't two kilometers away, a rather uninteresting war veteran who can find a way to make someone spontaneously combust with a shovel and an ink cartridge, and a strawberry blond minor who my demon butler rescued from a testing facility where he was injected with super-strong-soup-in-a-syringe. I sold my soul to a demon to avenge the death of my parents. That's him." Ciel stuck a gloved finger out behind him to point at Sebastian. He miscalculated the distance between himself in Sebastian and poked the butler in his titanium chest, causing him to jam his index finger. "Ow!" Ciel cursed, and ripped his glove off to suck on the injury.

The author forgot how to hit the enter button until now. Ciel would point rudely at the author's forehead and say something mean but he's too busy sucking on his finger.

Sebastian stepped up with his super-charming self and took the girl's hand. She swooned a little bit, in a way that actually seemed to go with the most horribly scuffed combat boots with safety pins and duct tape covering them.

"Hello, my name is Sebastian Michaelis. Despite being a demon with absolutely no benevolent feelings whatsoever, I have decided that I am in love with you. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my entire existence and I would be honored if you would bear my demon children."

Ciel choked on his finger, causing him to jam it down his throat. Vomit spattered the ground at the trio's feet, but it magically parted around the girl and Sebastian because they were too awesome to have vomit on them. Poor Ciel smells now.

"You can't love me!" the girl said obstinately. "You don't even know me!"

Sebastian smirked (since that's the only thing his handsome face even does).

"You are wrong. I have watched you from the most horrible pits of Hell. I've loved you for your entire life. The only other time I feel an emotion such as this is when I am around a cat."

"Ohhhh," the girl said. "But…I am a cat!"

And suddenly the girl was replaced with a super sexy feline. Its fur was streaked with the same colors that the girl's hair was.

"This settles it! You are perfect!"

Sebastian swept her into his into his arms. She was suddenly a human again. Even though he was a demon who couldn't even feel her weight, she was so skinny and perfect that anyone could've made off with her despite the fact that she was dead weight because she's never heard of feminism.

That didn't even make any sense.

Anyways, the two made off to Lovely-Land even though Sebastian was a demon.

Just kidding, they went into the manor without Ciel's permission and the girl was forcibly shoved into a bathtub by Sebastian because it's simple etiquette that a guy should bathe a girl five minutes after they meet. When the girl was out of the bathtub, Sebastian forced her into a corset and that took about five thousand words that the author thought would be super fun and original to write.

Then they left and somewhere along the line the girl was turned into a demon so the relationship wasn't weird anymore. And Ciel had to clean his puke off of his outfit since his butler was off having abominable babies.

The End

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**A/N: You should review. It'll be fun. I want to know if I'm alone in this...I also want to know if I am perhaps maybe funny or something?**


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